Supporting Your Child During a Divorce

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When parents divorce, it can be hard for children to understand. Here are some tips to help your child deal (cope) with these changes and their feelings and behaviors.

Talking to Your Child

After you and your partner have talked, tell your child about the divorce. Explain it in a way they can understand. Talk calmly with all your children at the same time.

  • Be honest with them, accept their feelings, and encourage them to ask questions.
  • Let them know what’s going to happen. Tell them what changes they will see. For example, if one parent is leaving the home, tell them how often they can expect to see each parent.
Tell Them  Do Not Say
  • The divorce is not their fault.
  • Where and who they'll live with, if you know.
  • When they'll see each parent.
  • Where each parent will live.
  • Plans for school and activities, like who will take them and pick them up.
  • You both still love them.
  • That one parent is good or bad.
  • The details of why you're getting divorced.
  • How you feel about your partner's faults.
  • They need to pick one parent over the other.

Coping

During divorce, your child may need more time and attention from each parent. You can help by:

  • Not letting your stresses and feelings overshadow their needs.
  • Working with the court to agree on custody and visits. If possible, both parents should be part of all decisions for their child.
  • Supporting your child’s relationship with each parent. Let them spend time with their other parent. They shouldn’t feel like they’re choosing sides.

How Children React

Each child reacts to divorce in their own way. There is no right or wrong way, and having many different emotions is normal. Common ways your children may react at different ages are:

Under 3 Years Old

  • Feeling sad
  • Kicking or hitting
  • Fear of others, wanting to stay with you
  • Problems with sleeping, eating, and toilet training (including going back to old habits)

School-Age

  • Upset moods (sad, angry)
  • Kicking, hitting, or fighting
  • Not doing as well in school (grades drop)
  • Strong wish for parents to get back together
  • Worrying about both parents

Teens

  • Worrying about money
  • Trouble focusing on school
  • Feeling depressed, withdrawn, or angry
  • Take part in risky behaviors (sex or drugs)
  • Aggressive or stubborn behaviors

What You Can Do

  • Support, don’t force, your child to have a strong, positive relationship with each parent.
  • Don’t argue in front of your child.
  • Tell your child the divorce is final, so they know you’re not getting back together.
  • Remind your child that the other parent will visit regularly, if that’s the case.
  • Speak often with the other parent if they’re staying involved in your child’s care. This helps your child know what routines to expect and reduces surprising changes.
  • If the other parent doesn’t stay in contact with your child, find other caring adults to help like relatives or volunteers from social service agencies.
  • Keep your child’s routines simple and familiar to them. Try not to make big changes until they can adjust to the divorce.
  • You may feel guilty about the divorce, making it hard to discipline your child. They may be angry or misbehave, but they still need limits. Keep consistent, healthy discipline in both homes.
  • Help your child talk about their feelings. Remind them that their relationship with each parent may be different. This is normal and okay.

Outside Help

  • You can get help from social service agencies, mental health agencies, counselors, and groups. There are many support groups for divorced and/or single parents.
  • When there has been domestic violence or child abuse, get professional support to:
    • Learn how to talk to your children about what happened.
    • Support your child’s feelings about what happened, like fear or anger.
    • Plan for any future contact with the other parent.
  • Your child may care for the other parent even if the other parent was abusive. Helping them understand what’s happening is very important. This includes accepting that your child’s relationship with the other parent may be different from your own.

 

 

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