7 Tips for Talking to Children About a Death by Suicide

Losing someone to death by suicide can be shocking, frightening, and incomprehensible for both adults and children alike. Often, we can’t make sense of what happened. Helping a child manage the unexpected loss in a healthy way is an important step forward.

When the manner of death is suicide, a child may have increased guilt, shame, shock and unanswered questions. The way we respond is crucial to supporting that child grieve and navigate this range of emotions.

Conversation Tips

1. Be direct and truthful in an age-appropriate way. Avoid lying or misrepresenting information; this can break trust and decrease emotional safety.
2. Emphasize that suicide is not anyone’s fault. Many children ask “Was it my fault? Could I have stopped it?” Be ready to respond with, “The death was not your fault, and it wasn’t because of anything you did or didn’t do.”
3. Remind children that it’s completely OK and normal to ask or wonder why. Talk to them about how sometimes in these situations, we may never fully understand why it happened.
4. Frame things in a way that young children can understand: ““Sometimes a person’s brain gets very sick, just like when someone’s body gets sick. When that happens, they may feel very confused and very sad, and they need help.”
5. Avoid over-explanations or sharing rumors or unconfirmed information. Where facts are unknown, say so: “We are still learning more. I will share what I know when I can.”
6. Watch for signs of complicated grief which can include intense shame, prolonged guilt, obsession with “what ifs” or thoughts of self-harm. Seek professionals who are trained in helping children cope with loss and navigating trauma.
7. Use resources tailored to suicide loss if needed, like this article from the Kids Mental Health Foundation. Key ideas include reminding them it’s nobody’s fault, modeling healthy talk about mental health, and connecting to others with similar loss.

Sample statements

• “We don’t yet have all the pieces yet, but I promise to share as much as I can when I know.”
• “I know it’s common to think, ‘What did I do?’ or ‘What could I have done differently?’ But experts say no one causes someone else’s decision to die by suicide.”
• “If you ever feel too sad, lonely, or pressured, you can come to me. We can also talk to someone who is trained to help us (therapist, counselor).”
• “You aren’t alone. Many families face similar grief. There are support groups for suicide loss.”

If you or your child need immediate help due to having suicidal thoughts, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, available 24/7. If there is an immediate safety concern, call 911 or go the nearest emergency room.