The Mental Load of Moms

I like to think my partner and I have a fairly even split of tasks on our to-do list. Each of us typically takes on different chores like laundry, trash, grocery shopping, sweeping, monitoring kids, cooking dinner, and many of the other daily duties required to parent and run a household. But who makes the to do list? Who is in charge of “remembering,” otherwise known as “the mental load?” Historically, mothers have mostly been the ones to take care of all the details.

The mental load is made up of many things. It’s keeping track of what needs to be done. It’s making sure everyone in the family has what they need and gets where they need to go. It’s the soon-to-be tasks that you tell your partner about, and they say, “remind me tomorrow,” which adds another task and further stress. Doing the mental work to think of a need and then communicate that need, only to be asked to keep remembering it and communicate it again later is exhausting. 

Some researchers say the mental load isn’t just the remembering, but also the emotional aspects that come along with the remembering, like remembering that a flu shot needs to be scheduled for your anxious child and then thinking through and feeling the burden of how to handle that situation and their emotions. When you think about all the “remembering” that needs to be done and the potential emotional weight that can come with it, the mental load is quite heavy!  

The mental load can include things like:

• Doctor/dental/therapy appointments

• Permission slips and classroom sign ups

• Clothing and shoe sizes

• Activity sign ups, schedules and rescheduling

• What needs to be packed in the diaper bags/backpacks/overnight bags

• Teacher names/appreciation days/parent teacher conference times

• Spirit wear days or special event days

• Carpools and the names of the parents and friends you’re carpooling with

The mental load on mothers is taxing, even when she does have a partner helping with the actual tasks. The mental load also elevates stress and frustration, and can lead to:

• Relationship conflict

• Negative parent-child interactions

• Lower job performance in paid positions

• Symptoms of depression, such as feelings of emptiness 

All of the thinking, organizing, scheduling, and caring about family needs before the tasks actually get completed is overwhelming. But what do we do about it? The strategies below will not only help you communicate your needs but can also open you up to releasing some of your responsibilities.

• Use communication with “I” messaging versus “you” messaging. Stating “I need for you to be in charge of all forms this school year” instead of “You never help with school forms” can be a small step toward improved communication with decreased likelihood of defensiveness.

• Prioritize what needs to be remembered. You’re juggling a lot so decide what is a “glass ball” (can’t be dropped) and what is a “plastic ball” (can be dropped & picked back up later). This may begin to help you prioritize for yourself and also help you decide you’re willing to delegate to your partner; start by handing off the plastic balls and keeping the glass balls if it’s hard to let the need for control go.  

• Care for yourself too. Moms are often great at caring for their family and their needs but do not always take time to care for themselves, and the family can suffer as a result. It’s important to take time to engage in self-care. Find my helpful advice on how to get started at the Kids Mental Health Foundation website if you’re not sure how to begin to do that.