Separation Anxiety: How to Ease Your Child's Mind

Summer is full of family fun, relaxed schedules, and rest. It’s also a time when families begin anticipating the start of the new school year. This can be an exciting and stressful time for parents and children alike, especially when it comes to starting preschool or kindergarten. Throughout babyhood and early childhood, separations and reunions can be practiced by playing games like Peek-A-Boo and Hide and Go Seek, and through reading stories featuring journeys and homecomings.

As children grow older, parents often worry about whether they will experience challenges being separated from their families for extended periods during the day, and the honest answer is yes. Many children do exhibit some natural anxiety and nervousness during these times of transition. It’s important for parents to understand the difference between the type of anxiety that’s part of normal development and anxiety that’s excessive, so you can seek support for your child when needed to help ease these symptoms.

Separation anxiety is characterized by excessive fear of separation from a caregiver that substantially limits a child’s (and family’s) ability to engage in activities. It typically isn’t diagnosed in children younger than age 3, since hesitation around separation from caregivers can be typical behavior before that age. Also, the pattern of excessive distress must be ongoing for about a month before it reaches a level that would need clinical assistance.

The good news is most separation fears are not excessive and can be eased by using praise, social and emotional coaching strategies, and small low/no-cost rewards for successes. Planning a separation and reunion routine with your child before the separation occurs can greatly improve your child’s level of comfort being apart from you. Waiting until your child is already upset before coming up with a plan isn’t likely to be as successful.

For a child who is around kindergarten age a conversation at home may go something like this: “Katie, I know starting school is exciting, but it can also be a little upsetting until you get used to the new routine. I know you will enjoy your day and be brave so you can have fun and learn with your friends and teachers. I’ll and look forward to seeing you after school to hear about your day! Let’s practice saying goodbye now, with a quick hug and wave after walking into school or your classroom. When I see you at the end of the day, we can have a special snack after school for doing a great job at drop-off time.” It may be helpful to let your child know in general what your activities will be during their school day, and is probably best not to refer to missing them or being sad in their absence.

This practice helps a child to anticipate and normalize their feelings when separation happens, and it also reinforces your belief they will be successful, as most children will be. Sometimes, your children may be more excited than you are to start these new chapters in their lives!