Helping Your Teen Help a Friend with Suicidal Thoughts

Teens are becoming more comfortable with discussing their mental health with friends. There are many benefits to this openness like reduced stigma, an increase in self-awareness and a willingness to reach out for help. However, this also means that parents might find themselves supporting their child as they try to help a friend who is struggling with self-harm or suicidal thoughts.

Why are teens talking about self-harm with their friends?

When teens share thoughts of self-harm with friends, they may be experiencing distress and a desire for connection in the midst of loneliness and pain. Teens tend to be more comfortable sharing personal challenges with peers – they perceive less judgment and risk of punishment.  Because of this, friends are often the first people teens tell about their self-harm or suicidal thoughts.

When teens finally do tell their friend they’ve been thinking of hurting themselves or ending their life, they may feel a range of feelings including fear and embarrassment about what may happen now that someone knows they’ve been struggling. They may ask their friend to keep what they’ve shared a secret—even to the point of threatening to end the friendship if their friend tells. This can be a huge amount of pressure for a teen to deal with. Weighing the value of their friend’s life against the possibility of losing a friendship can feel like an impossible choice.

What do I do if my child is helping a friend in crisis?

If your teen ever finds themself helping a friend struggling with suicidal thoughts, here are some steps that could be helpful as you support your child:

• Get curious. Calmly and gently ask your child for more details about what is going on with their friend. What specifically did their friend say about suicide? Has their friend talked about a plan for how they’re going to harm themselves? These are important questions to ask so that you’re able to support your child and their friend in the best way possible.

• Reassure your child. Let them know they are doing the right thing by telling you about their friend. It may be helpful to let your child know you can imagine how worried they might be about betraying their friend’s trust. But self-harm thoughts and suicidal thoughts are signs that someone needs support from a trained and trusted adult. Suicide is a leading cause of death and should be taken very seriously. Keeping the secret might mean your child’s friend won’t get the help they need. Let your child know that telling you about their friend may feel stressful, but it’s necessary.

• Get help for your child’s friend. The next step involves contacting the friend’s caregiver and telling them what you’ve learned about their child’s self-harm or suicidal thoughts. Ideally, your child’s friend is someone you know in the neighborhood, and you can easily contact their caregiver to tell them what you know. However, if you don’t directly know your child’s friend, you can contact the child’s school and let the school staff know one of their students is having suicidal thoughts. Schools often have steps they can take to keep children safe when they learn about self-harm and suicidal thoughts. If the child is someone from your child’s social media account and you don’t know how to get in contact with their caregiver or their school, you can use the social media platform’s reporting feature to report the child’s post for concerns about self-harm or suicide. 

• Comfort your child. After you take steps to notify your child’s friend’s caregiver, your child may continue to experience stress related to the situation. Even after you’ve reassured them that they’ve done the right thing, your child may continue to feel worried or even guilty about telling their friend’s secret. Word may also get around among your child’s friend group that your child has “snitched” or can’t be trusted. In the days and weeks afterward, ask your child how they are feeling about the situation. Ask them whether they’ve experienced any stress from getting their friend some help. Let your child know you are available to listen and support them and continue to reassure them they've done the right thing.

If you or your child need immediate help due to having suicidal thoughts or supporting someone else struggling with suicidal thoughts, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at “988” (services are available in English and Spanish). If there is an immediate safety concern related to physical harm or safety, call “911” or go to the nearest emergency room.