When to Use Time-Out with Your Child

Parenting has beautiful moments of connection, with frequent experiences of enjoyment and delight. There are challenging and difficult times too, particularly when there is conflict between supporting your child’s feelings and setting reasonable limits and boundaries. The beauty is that validating feelings and experiences WHILE setting consistent limits serves to keep children safe and secure.

These difficult moments inherently serve as times for growth and learning as you and your child develop ways to relate during hard times.

What Is Time-Out?

It is important to understand the purpose of Time-Out, to practice the strategy effectively. Time-Out serves to decrease an individual’s unwanted behavior by removing the person from the situation or object causing distress, or removing the cause of the distress from the person. Once behavior has improved and the person is calm, Time-Out is successful.

Two Ways to Time-Out

There are two ways to use Time-Out: “Time-Out for Me” and Time-Out for your child. Both can be useful, when both age and the specific situation are considered.

Time-Out for Me

Time-Out for Me is important

• When a young child is experiencing intense emotions AND
• Their emotion regulation skills aren’t well developed AND
• When your child’s emotional experience is felt by you intensely and your response will not be supportive. For example, you may spank, yell, or shame your child, even unintentionally.

When your child is having a meltdown and you begin experiencing intense feelings yourself, this may be a good “Time-Out for Me” moment. What does this look like?

1. Ensure that your child is in a safe space, even if visibly upset. High emotions equal difficulty listening. Reasoning with you child will not likely work.
2. Tell them you are having “upset feelings” and need a “Grown-Up Time-Out” so that you can help them with their feelings.
3. Tell them, you want to keep them safe (bodies and feelings), and you’ll be back.
4. TAKE A TIME-OUT! When our emotions are high, it’s hard to help children organize their feelings. Find a separate space nearby to experience and organize your own feelings, so you can get back to helping your child.
5. Create a “Time-In” moment for your child. Use this time to validate your child’s feelings. It’s easier to talk with them and teach ways to cope and behave when they’re calm. Remember, learning happens when we feel supported and calm.

Time-Out for My Child (Ages 4 to 6)

“Older” young children are more able to use strategies to organize their feelings for when things don’t go their way. Despite this, they have moments when a Time-Out can help them re-center.

Time-Out for children can serve as a useful strategy for

• learning to identify and label upset feelings or inappropriate behavior
• understanding that we sometimes need space to regulate our feelings
• knowing that Time-Out is space for a break (like a Grown-Up Time-Out) when listening or following rules is hard
• learning that they are not in trouble because you were upset with them or their feelings

Time-Out Tips

• Your child needs to know that Time-Out is part of your routine and a place to regain control when their emotions and behaviors are big, where they can practice their calming skills.
• Have a consistent space where Time-Out happens. Together come up with a name for the space.
• Keep Time-Out no longer than five minutes. The guideline is one minute per year of age.
• End Time-Out when they are calm. If still upset, give them a few more moments to practice calming skills before returning to their activities.

Time-Out is useful because children learn that when their emotions and bodies are feeling activated there’s room to practice healthy ways to cope. Remember, young children thrive and are more successful with consistency and predictability.

Remember, Time-Out is a short-term approach for difficult behaviors and does not improve behavior long term. Additional parenting strategies will support longer term changes. When these Time-Out strategies stop working and behaviors escalate or become consistently disruptive, seek support from a child psychologist or other behavioral health provider.

Positive Attention and Connection

Positive attention and connection play a long-term role in supporting healthy child social-emotional and behavioral development. Young children learn to organize their feelings best with our help, not without. When parents consistently label and identify children’s feelings, validate their emotional experiences, provide praise, and share enjoyment and delight in their child the parent-child connection strengthens, and challenging moments become easier to navigate for everyone.

For more tips, check out our blog post on Positive Discipline.